Welp…This is the start.

Not everyone is blessed with the talent to write beautifully. Its my first time, I’m trying to pen down my feelings. I’m kind of introvert who has many thoughts running in mind but my thoughts are unable to find their way in words. No matter how hard I try to share my dark experiences with this cruel world, I’m always at loss for words. I’m still struggling to find my inner voice, I want to scream aloud to tell my story to whole world…. But……

An intimate moment….

Then our eyes meet, and time stopped for a few seconds and the entire place became so still and so silent. You can hear your heart beating faster and faster. And then you lean over and kiss her, then one kiss leads to many. Then that perfect long breath taking, soul sucking kiss comes into effect. Which make you feel warm in all the right places. As she sits down you slowly start teasing her. As the teasing continues you get on top of her, as she sits there with a very intimate but quite intense look. You can feel the attraction from a mile away. She finally picks you up and walks towards the desk, sticks her hand down your pants and when things couldn’t get any more physical someone walks in, you quickly spring up and act natural, but everyone knows acting natural in the situation you both were in would be to obvious! Then with a blink of an eye both were running out the back door as if they were teenagers getting caught by their parents.

Keep fighting…

Every day you have to fight with your self… you can’t run from the situation… Every day you have to conduct a new life for you..
no one else can do for you, yes your loved ones only can support you …
but, at the end is you who has to fight for your self-confidence as you lose it slowly each day…. every day comes with a new fear, new test.. and you have to overcome them as you can’t avoid them..
in this big world every day you have to face many difficulties, even the unexpected ones…
It is really hard to fight every day with life and situations…
The worst thing we think is that it happens with “ME” ….
but dear,
it is not so…
“EVERY ONE” face such dilemma in life…
so do not worry, be calm, be self confident…
try hard as much as you can, be positive
because it is the only one tool which will help you and no other…
but make sure while doing so you do not hurt other persons feelings because their feelings matter just as much as yours…

Self-worth nuff said…

Don’t try to live for others!! Try to believe in your work, action and of course love yourself, then life will be beautiful. Stay motivated and spread love with everyone. Life is short, don’t think that your are not up to this person and that person. Be yourself and the happiness will arrive to you!! There comes a time where you just need to walk away .. if it’s a bad relationship with a significant other , or a broken friendship … whatever it may be … Sometimes you just need to realize what you deserve and determine if they treat you the way you deserve to be treated.. you can’t let others bring you down and make you feel like you are worthless … you can’t let others control who you are .. be yourself and find people who accept you for you .. you are amazing in your own way .. So surround yourself with people who know your self worth ..

Is it just a fantasy with you?…

And she took her slowly removing her clothes one by one lovingly delicately as they came towards the bed, and the heat beat down upon them sweat glistening off their skin as they came together as one. Lips crushing together hands exploring she slowly took her shirt off and brushed her fingers down the middle. Exposing her average but toned chest. Her fingers trailing down skin. Nails leaving light lines as she clenched herself into her body. As she entered her threshold thrusting in slow delicate rhythm her teeth softly bit into her neck leaving marks of a lovers ownership so that all knew she was hers and solely hers.

Traffic light of thoughts..

Recently I learnt about a concept known as “the traffic light of thoughts.’ It’s a concept taught to children to help them understand their own thoughts, and build their emotional resilience. Red thoughts are supposed to symbolize negative thoughts that are unhelpful to you. Green thoughts are happy thoughts that are helpful to you. This is such a simple concept, but it got me thinking about those situations in life that I feel I have no control over. In these moments, my brain ticks over 100’s of red thoughts, that essentially are explainable. I could understand how these thoughts appear but I could not comprehend as to why. 

Then I started thinking about how my personal experiences and how they have truly shaped my thinking style. For example, 2016 was a year of pain, sadness and emptiness for me. I experienced a bad breakup, a loss of all my friends, and having to reconnect with everyone again. That year, I felt as though I was in a recurring cycle of unhappiness. There were uncontrollable situations that hit me, one after the other. I felt as though life was kicking me in the gut, while I was already down. After each experience, I had 100’s of red thoughts that flooded my brain. This soon became a habit. A repetitive cycle of negativity. Thereafter, I found it difficult to think of any green thoughts. Even when faced with situations I could control. I started to view the world through a depressive lens. I was constantly told to just “be positive”, or “think of it as a learning experience”. But at the time I didn’t know how to do it and I got irritated at anyone that tried to show me how. In all honesty, that cycle of negativity became a space of security and comfort. 

Entering my 2017, I realized how much damage this was doing to my mental health and well being. So, I started to write down all the red thoughts I had each day. I then forced myself to counter them with green thoughts. For example, 
(Redlight) “I just can’t do this”
(Greenlight) “Have a go, if you still can’t, it’s ok. You have strengths in other areas.” This may seem like a tedious exercise, but it helped me tremendously. It is so important to know how to be in-touch with your own thoughts. Self-reflection saved my life. the Traffic Light of Thoughts saved my life. Break it down and watch how you become a stronger person because of it.

Breaking up with depression!

I feel you. Throughout the past month, you’ve been creeping in again slowly but surely. Your filthy grip is attempting to hold me down. You’re like the one fly that I can’t seem to kill. There are days when I think you’ve flown away and other days I can’t keep you away from me. Throughout the years you’ve hit me in waves. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d see my 15th birthday, but I did. I went on to see my 16th and 17th birthday and so on. Now, I’ll be damned if I don’t see my 27th, 28th, and 29th birthdays and all of my birthdays after that. You cause me to sleep all day and night or don’t allow me to sleep at all. Simple things like going to eat or showering become difficult. Missing time with friends, going to my football practice has become a habit instead of a rare occurrence. I go to work looking like a zombie and count the minutes until it is over. If I’m having a difficult time just trying to eat and shower, what makes you think I do things I loved every day? My clothes hamper is overflowing with dirty laundry. Each day I look into my closet and see the dirty heap of colors before trying to convince myself I’ll take care of it today. Dirty dishes sit staring at me waiting to be washed, but one look and I go back to bed. Remember that speech I gave three weeks ago on how life is finally looking better? I’m sure you do depression; you filled me that day and had me in tears. It’s a miracle that I didn’t break down in front of my friends. Oh, and let me remind you about the weekend. We all danced and sang, and I was having a wonderful time, but for a few brief minutes, you hit me. The song changed, and that’s when it happened. Quietly, I got up and went to the restroom for a few minutes while tears streamed down my face. Now, my body is full of excitement for upcoming events, but you keep telling me to cancel. You say that I’ll just get hurt. Things will never work, so why try? You’re the dark storm cloud that appears in the middle of a young child’s birthday party. In this case, I’m the child, and it’s my birthday you’re trying to ruin. Some tell me to turn to my faith, and I’ll be okay. Believe me; I am, but unless they’ve experienced this for themselves they simply do not understand. Others refuse to believe I live with you. Surely you can’t suffer from depression if you smile at others and always make others laugh? Maybe they are right. Maybe I don’t need to go to therapy. Maybe I don’t need to be medicated. Maybe I’d be fine without all of it; maybe I’m just crazy. But I’m not willing to risk the maybes. So depression, this isn’t a love letter to you. It’s me wanting to break up with you. All I ask is that you release your grip on me. Let me live apart from you. Let me thrive. You’ve been a part of my life for so long now, and I think it is about time we go our separate ways. I won’t give you the stereotypical, “it’s not you it’s me” line because it is you. I’m not the problem here, you are. I don’t love you, in fact, who could? You make life a living hell for all of those that suffer from your grip. Even the so called “lucky ones” who are considered high functioning don’t love you. So move along, you’re not welcome here.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Never Loved You and never will.

The wall…

Honestly i don’t know how to start a conversation with you. it feels like there’s a wall between us that i cannot penetrate. I am scared to look at you because I’m afraid to see something in your eyes that will attach me to you. There was a time that we had a chance to talk, our conversation was nonsense but the vibes and aura gave sense. It was wonderful i was happy, i feel like for even just a minute the wall between us collapsed and we decided to be happy but it didn’t last long for we have things to do.

It’s a virtue….

Our arms were touching each other, our feet, legs and knees. Your hand stroke along my legs. Yet, nothing was said. We are colleagues and may not even like each other or might who knows. But I have the feeling that there is some tension between us. You are pretty much married and have a child. I should not feel any tension or ‘arousal’ when you are near me. But I do. And I so deeply want to feel you near me. Again. And again. Our eyes were looking at each other way too long. I had to look away. But everything inside me yelled that it wanted me to stay looking. I keep wondering what may have happened.
I walk in the store silently. Everybody is working. And my thoughts keep running. When will I ever get this chance again. To look deep into your eyes. And maybe hold you…