Breaking up with depression!

I feel you. Throughout the past month, you’ve been creeping in again slowly but surely. Your filthy grip is attempting to hold me down. You’re like the one fly that I can’t seem to kill. There are days when I think you’ve flown away and other days I can’t keep you away from me. Throughout the years you’ve hit me in waves. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d see my 15th birthday, but I did. I went on to see my 16th and 17th birthday and so on. Now, I’ll be damned if I don’t see my 27th, 28th, and 29th birthdays and all of my birthdays after that. You cause me to sleep all day and night or don’t allow me to sleep at all. Simple things like going to eat or showering become difficult. Missing time with friends, going to my football practice has become a habit instead of a rare occurrence. I go to work looking like a zombie and count the minutes until it is over. If I’m having a difficult time just trying to eat and shower, what makes you think I do things I loved every day? My clothes hamper is overflowing with dirty laundry. Each day I look into my closet and see the dirty heap of colors before trying to convince myself I’ll take care of it today. Dirty dishes sit staring at me waiting to be washed, but one look and I go back to bed. Remember that speech I gave three weeks ago on how life is finally looking better? I’m sure you do depression; you filled me that day and had me in tears. It’s a miracle that I didn’t break down in front of my friends. Oh, and let me remind you about the weekend. We all danced and sang, and I was having a wonderful time, but for a few brief minutes, you hit me. The song changed, and that’s when it happened. Quietly, I got up and went to the restroom for a few minutes while tears streamed down my face. Now, my body is full of excitement for upcoming events, but you keep telling me to cancel. You say that I’ll just get hurt. Things will never work, so why try? You’re the dark storm cloud that appears in the middle of a young child’s birthday party. In this case, I’m the child, and it’s my birthday you’re trying to ruin. Some tell me to turn to my faith, and I’ll be okay. Believe me; I am, but unless they’ve experienced this for themselves they simply do not understand. Others refuse to believe I live with you. Surely you can’t suffer from depression if you smile at others and always make others laugh? Maybe they are right. Maybe I don’t need to go to therapy. Maybe I don’t need to be medicated. Maybe I’d be fine without all of it; maybe I’m just crazy. But I’m not willing to risk the maybes. So depression, this isn’t a love letter to you. It’s me wanting to break up with you. All I ask is that you release your grip on me. Let me live apart from you. Let me thrive. You’ve been a part of my life for so long now, and I think it is about time we go our separate ways. I won’t give you the stereotypical, “it’s not you it’s me” line because it is you. I’m not the problem here, you are. I don’t love you, in fact, who could? You make life a living hell for all of those that suffer from your grip. Even the so called “lucky ones” who are considered high functioning don’t love you. So move along, you’re not welcome here.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Never Loved You and never will.

The wall…

Honestly i don’t know how to start a conversation with you. it feels like there’s a wall between us that i cannot penetrate. I am scared to look at you because I’m afraid to see something in your eyes that will attach me to you. There was a time that we had a chance to talk, our conversation was nonsense but the vibes and aura gave sense. It was wonderful i was happy, i feel like for even just a minute the wall between us collapsed and we decided to be happy but it didn’t last long for we have things to do.

It’s a virtue….

Our arms were touching each other, our feet, legs and knees. Your hand stroke along my legs. Yet, nothing was said. We are colleagues and may not even like each other or might who knows. But I have the feeling that there is some tension between us. You are pretty much married and have a child. I should not feel any tension or ‘arousal’ when you are near me. But I do. And I so deeply want to feel you near me. Again. And again. Our eyes were looking at each other way too long. I had to look away. But everything inside me yelled that it wanted me to stay looking. I keep wondering what may have happened.
I walk in the store silently. Everybody is working. And my thoughts keep running. When will I ever get this chance again. To look deep into your eyes. And maybe hold you…

Moving on…

I want to forget the way you would touch my skin. And how with a single kiss, I felt like I was on heroin.

I want to forget the intensity of your gaze.
How you would undress me with a single stare. No one will be able to match the way you would make me feel, But you also brought me pain and it’s time for me to heal.

I’ll never forget your strength while holding me in bed.
Your protective arms while making me feel great.I’ll never be able to love the same way I loved you.
Sadly you don’t feel the same and now you’ve found someone new.

Now it’s not me at your side waking up at dawn.
And no matter how much it hurts its time for me to move on.

Lost my self…

ever feel like quiting is the easier option like whats the point in trying so hard and knowing your going to fail I’ve pushed myself to keep it together as i don’t wanna disappoint the people i love but they don’t understand how i feel and they don’t see the person i have became and the person i was before, i feel like i’m living a second life one where i appear happy and altogether and the other i’m the person who will stay in all day cus i’m too afraid to go out there and meet new people and do things but the truth is i’m neither of these people i’m fake and sometimes i feel like do people really see me or do they only see the person they think they know but how can they know me when i don’t even know myself anymore i don’t wanna give up or quit on things but every time i try i give up before giving it a chance. The truth is i’ve lost myself a long time ago…

Sometimes it happens

sometimes I feel alone then I look at the sky and I feel my loneliness has gone. Sometimes my heartbeats faster than normal condition. sometimes situation arrives different than what I have decided. Sometimes my mind goes blank and thinks about nonsense things. Sometimes I walked through a road which has a dead end. Sometimes I cry a lot which never have a end.

Alone or not its your choice..

Suddenly it feels not many people know what it’s like to be alone because they believe it is a bad thing. Learning to be alone is one of the biggest life experiences you could have. You build character, become independent, confident and you get to know yourself more then you would with someone. It’s no joke that we learn to be alone because we haven’t found that one person to come into our lives to carry us but if you do find someone, do you completely forget about being independent?. No the answer is no. We shouldn’t rely on others, happiness comes from you